


Ways to Say Goodbye

by Minew



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-10-01 03:16:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10179458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minew/pseuds/Minew
Summary: Taemin is in love with his friend Jonghyun. There is just one problem - Jonghyun has a boyfriend whom he loves very much. Taemin is determined to tell Jonghyun how he truly feels however - he just needs to find the courage. Courage that apparently is a little harder to find.





	

Taemin met Jonghyun when he was 13 and had just started middle school. He was alone as his best friend had just left to enter another middle school and he wasn't exactly up for the bullying he knew would follow being alone. The middle schooler was feminine and petite and his mother hadn't cut his hair in the past years which only meant that he resembled a girl more than he resembled a boy. He had been sitting in the cafeteria, hunched over his lunch, not really eating but rather just playing with his food. Earlier in the day, someone had called him a girl, tugged at his dark hair and laughed when he had defended himself with an "I'm a boy!"

He wasn't expecting someone to sit with him so when he heard a voice in front of him and looked up only to stare at a high school student, he was mildly surprised. The older boy had smiled at him and asked whether or not he was new. His smile had been dazzling and his voice had been calm and Taemin had found his company comforting. The older talked about any and everything. The next day Taemin had found himself in the older boy's company again and the day after the high schooler had brought another friend with him.

The older boy was named Jonghyun and Taemin had been pleasantly surprised that he didn't mind Taemin's young age much like any other high school student and that he wasn't appalled by his feminine appearance, just like every other student from middle school. Jonghyun's friend was called Lee Jinki and he was a year older than Jonghyun. Taemin had often wondered why the oldest had stayed with him and Jonghyun but Jinki didn't seem to mind either.

It was when Taemin was 13 and had just started middle school that he met Jonghyun. 

 

When Taemin turned 16 and entered high school, Jonghyun turned 19 and graduated high school. The older was going to college but he promised Taemin that they wouldn't lose contact. They didn't. Taemin hated Jonghyun for leaving him for college but he couldn't really hate him for prioritizing himself over Taemin. After all, Taemin wasn't worth all that much and he had already been blessed with Jonghyun's friendship for the past 3 years. But Jonghyun stayed true to his word and even though they both got new friends, Jonghyun never forgot Taemin at home. Taemin was anxiously waiting for Jonghyun to text him in the evening, waiting for the newest gossip. He waited for Jonghyun to tell him about cute girls and sweet kisses and imagined himself kissing Jonghyun instead of the girls in his class. He never mentioned this for Jonghyun, it was just a stupid crush and Taemin would grow from it, he was sure.  

 

Taemin graduated high school at the age of 18 and enrolled in the same university as Jonghyun. Maybe he did choose his university based on where Jonghyun was studying but he never told anyone. Jonghyun had grown more handsome during Taemin's high school years and it did nothing to ease his beating heart whenever he took a look at the smiling blond-haired boy. He seemed at ease, he seemed like he belonged around all those people that Taemin didn't know. Jonghyun dragged him to the soccer field because a friend of his was playing. He brought beer along and Taemin got drunk for the first time in his life. He didn't remember the soccer game but he did remember his own beating heart and the way he had bit his lips. 

 

Jonghyun found Taemin in the library 6 months later, saying he had something to tell him. They had sat in a secluded area of the library, surrounded by old dusty books no one even tried to find. Taemin's heart had been beating loudly in his chest as the other had turned around, back facing Taemin and ran a hand through his hair. 

"Taemin, you're my best friend so don't think badly of me when I tell you this, okay?" Jonghyun said and Taemin nodded. His thoughts was trying to convince him that this was not a confession. Jonghyun wasn't in love with him as he was with Jonghyun. It just didn't happen that way. Fairytale endings didn't happen. He bit his lower lip when Jonghyun turned around and sighed. "I'm homosexual." Taemin let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. 

"Okay," he said and sent the older a smile. Jonghyun seemed just as relieved that Taemin hadn't started cursing at him. 

"You're ... okay with it?" he asked, just to make sure and Taemin nodded and sent him another, wider smile.

"Of course, hyung."

Jonghyun had lunged forward to hug Taemin and Taemin had wrapped his arms around the smaller male, closing his eyes and unconsciously filled his senses with Jonghyun's scent. He hadn't meant to hold on for those 2 seconds too long but Jonghyun acted like it had never happened. They had spent the rest of the afternoon studying, Taemin filled with hope that maybe he did stand a chance with his best friend of 6 years.

 

Taemin did not stand a chance with his best friend of 6 years. It wasn't really a surprise when Jonghyun had come to him and spoken of this crush of his. The blond boy had animatedly described how this boy was absolutely gorgeous. He apparently wore the most stylish clothes around campus, had the softest black hair, the most amazing eyes that one could instantly drown in, a sassy but absolutely cute attitude and - oh yeah, he had kissed Jonghyun at the party last weekend. The older boy was so in love and Taemin tried his best to be supportive of this crush of his, despite his aching heart. When Jonghyun had left his dorm room in the evening to call Jinki and tell him these news, Taemin had found himself under his covers, tears streaming down his cheeks as if there were nothing that could soothe his world. His roommate had tried but Taemin hadn't been able to say a word. He didn't get any sleep that night. 

 

He had tried really hard to be supportive of Jonghyun's crush, hoping that one day he would get over the other or realize that his crush wasn't homosexual. He even sometimes dreamt of Jonghyun's heartbreak and no matter how bad he felt for imagining his best friend in so much pain, he couldn't really be happy whenever Jonghyun spoke of this amazing man he had met. It didn't make anything better when Jonghyun one day stood before him, black-haired bow in tow with feline eyes and the most stylish clothes Taemin had ever seen, Taemin wasn't in doubt that this man was Jonghyun's crush. 

"Taemin, this is Kibum. Kibum, my best friend Taemin." Kibum had greeted Taemin but had kept his attention on Jonghyun and Taemin had never felt so much like a third-wheel. None of the other two seemed to notice his discomfort, though, so when he got up and excused himself, he knew he had succeeded in hiding the heartache he felt. He cried that night as well. 

 

He hadn't expected Jinki to be the friend who had initially seen through him. The older boy had cornered him during his thesis and sat him down. Jinki had had dark circles beneath his eyes and Taemin had tried to assure the other that they could talk later when he had finished his thesis, but Jinki had insisted that it was important. 

"You're in love with Jonghyun." 

Taemin had been shocked to actually hear the words said out loud but his half-hearted attempts at denying had been shot down just as quickly. He had sighed and tried to tell Jinki that he would get over Jonghyun, he wouldn't ever hurt Jonghyun by trying to ruin this relationship (or whatever it was) with Kibum. Jinki had eyed him suspiciously but hadn't said anything. Taemin had been walking aimlessly around campus that night in order to figure out what went on in his head. He hadn't been successful. The only thing he was absolutely certain of was that he had been in love with Jonghyun ever since he'd been 16. One-sided in love because he hadn't dared tell Jonghyun how he really felt and now Jonghyun had found someone else. 

 

Taemin began to notice the small things whenever Jonghyun was with Kibum. He noticed that Jonghyun wore a different cologne whenever he was with Kibum, he noticed how his eyes sparkled differently like he was happier. He noticed that Jonghyun got flustered more often than not and he noticed the blush that crept on his cheeks for the first time. And Taemin felt jealous. He wanted to be the one to bring the blush on Jonghyun's cheek, the spark in Jonghyun's eye. He wanted Jonghyun to have a clothing crisis before he met him, not be the friend that had to point out which jeans looked painfully good on him. 

It wasn't that Taemin's fashion style was anything to brag about and it definitely paled in comparison to Kibum's but whenever he chose his favorites on Jonghyun, the black-haired man seemed to appreciate it as well. Taemin tried to distance himself but distance was harder than being heartbroken. It was hard to see Jonghyun depressed whenever the younger man avoided him and in the end Taemin decided that he would be the only one to suffer. It was after all his fault all along.  

 

Taemin had turned 19 when Jonghyun came to find him to tell him that he and Kibum were finally boyfriends. Boyfriends, Jonghyun had laughed and fist bumped the air, making sure Taemin saw how happy he was with the turn of events. Taemin had laughed as well and asked if they were going to celebrate with a beer. They did. They had been sitting in Jonghyun's dorm and talking, thankfully about everything but Kibum. Until they both got tipsy and Jonghyun sat beside Taemin and slung his arm around his best friend to give him a bone crushing hug. 

"I love you Taemin," he had said. Taemin's heart had skipped a beat and started speeding up when Jonghyun continued. "You're the best friend in the entire world. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't sat there beside you in high school." Jonghyun had hiccuped and Taemin had felt his heart collapse to the bottom of his chest, slowing down to a pace so heartbreaking that Taemin thought he would die. But he didn't. He didn't die when Jonghyun let go of him and sent him a dazzling smile. "I'm so glad you're so supportive of me instead." Taemin bit his cheek and nodded along to Jonghyun's drunken speech. He couldn't not be supportive of Jonghyun when Jonghyun was all he had and all he wanted. No matter how hard he had tried there was simply nothing could replace Jonghyun. Taemin had left Jonghyun after tucking him into his bed, tears staining his cheeks silently as he left to find his own dorm.  

 

He found Jinki the next day and asked him if he would help him dye his hair. It was an impulsive decision but the young boy hoped that if he changed something he could perhaps leave his feelings for Jonghyun. He, too, could begin anew and maybe find a love of his own. A love of his own that wasn't Jonghyun. Jinki had spent the entire day helping Taemin cutting and dying his hair blond. 

The older boy had been skeptic when Taemin had uttered his wish for the blond hair but he hadn't questioned why Taemin wanted the same hair color as Jonghyun. When he was finally standing in front of a mirror, looking at his newly dyed hair, he found it hard not to imagine how he would look beside Jonghyun now. Two blond people would certainly look bad, right? Except they didn't. Jonghyun had been in love with his hair and even Kibum had praised the color of it. Apparently, it made Taemin look more grown up and sexier. Taemin only wanted to look sexy for one person, though, one person that was completely out of his reach. 

 

When Jinki graduated college Taemin began to feel lonely. Jonghyun tried his hardest not to forget his best friend but Taemin would rather be alone than be with him and get his heart broken. The honeymoon phase was horrible to witness, especially because he had wanted to be the reason for it. Instead of telling Jonghyun anything whenever the other asked what was wrong, why he was so distant Taemin went to parties and tried his hardest to find someone else. He got drunk every weekend, kissing different people but no one was Jonghyun and no one came even close to the other. He was frustrated and he wanted nothing else but just let go of this stupid crush but the older found a way into everything Taemin did. Whenever Taemin wrote his papers for class, he would hear the other man laughing beside him, watching something stupid on his phone. Whenever Taemin was in the library he would find the blond and his boyfriend sitting close together in the area that was never visited, where Jonghyun had

Whenever Taemin wrote his papers for class, he would hear the other man laughing beside him, watching something stupid on his phone. Whenever Taemin was in the library he would find the blond and his boyfriend sitting close together in the area that was never visited, where Jonghyun had came out to him a year ago. Taemin had wanted to leave, had wanted to give the two privacy but he couldn't. He'd been listening in on their make out sessions and he'd been biting his lips until he had started bleeding.  

 

Taemin had been woken up 6 months later in the middle of the night when someone had banged on his dorm room door and called for him. His roommate had told him to get the door instantly or he would call someone and Taemin had gotten up to find a crying Jonghyun on the other side of the door. Two minutes later the two boys had been in the communal living room on the couch, Jonghyun crying into Taemin's shoulder. Taemin had tried hard not to say the wrong thing when Jonghyun had calmed down enough to tell him that he and Kibum had gotten in a fight. Taemin had felt his blood boil at the sight of the heartbroken boy his heart yearned for. 

"He doesn't deserve you," he had said. Jonghyun had looked at him with moist eyes. 

"It was my fault," the older had stuttered but Taemin had been too far gone in his anger to actually hear it.  

"I could treat you so much better." They both looked mortified when they realized what he had just said. Taemin was no longer angry, far too scandalized to be angry. Jonghyun, however, decided to ignore it.  

"What should I do to fix it?" he said and bit his lip. Taemin willed himself to calm down and not say any more. He wasn't going to confess his stupid feelings for the other man when he was heartbroken. 

"Buy him a sweet dinner and be romantic?" he had proposed and Jonghyun had smiled a little and nodded.

"Yeah, maybe that'll work." Taemin had been repeatedly beating himself up mentally for slipping up earlier. He also despised himself for giving Jonghyun advice on how to fix thing with Kibum but having the other crying was far worse than seeing him happy with someone else. When he finally got back to bed he didn't get any sleep, trying to find a sure-fire way to get rid of his feelings. 

 

Jonghyun asked Taemin to help him plan his and Kibum's one year anniversary and Taemin's heart had been broken while he planned and combined his dream date with Jonghyun for someone else. To imagine someone else in his stead with Jonghyun was hard, but when Jonghyun had texted him the next day that the date had been the most amazing he had ever had with Kibum he had felt strangely satisfied despite the heartache that only seemed to grow deeper and harder to overcome every time.  

 

When Jonghyun and Kibum graduated Taemin had a bittersweet smile on his face. He wasn't sure he would be able to keep contact with Jonghyun outside of college despite their close friendship. He didn't know if he could stay behind, heartbroken and without a way to fix it. But Jonghyun wasn't thinking of losing Taemin's friendship. Without Jonghyun around Taemin found himself studying more often than he partied. Nothing really meant anything without Jonghyun around. He wasn't looking for fun anymore because nothing was fun without Jonghyun. He even found himself missing the heartache of seeing Jonghyun happy with someone else. He hated himself for thinking like this when he had all the opportunity to finally get over Jonghyun. 

 

Taemin met up with Jinki a year later and the older man smiled at him when Taemin confessed that he was still not over Jonghyun. When they departed Jinki had convinced Taemin to confess his feelings to the other. He wasn't going to ruin what Jonghyun had with Kibum, just telling the other that he was in love with him and that if anything ever went wrong, he would always be there, always be waiting. It seemed to be a wonderful plan in Taemin's head. He wasn't trying to steal Jonghyun away from Kibum. But when he finally scheduled a meeting with Jonghyun, the other had other news he wanted to tell Taemin. News that broke Taemin's heart into too many pieces to ever recover.

"Kibum proposed to me!" Jonghyun exclaimed just as Taemin had said 'there's something I want to tell you'. "What was it you wanted to say?" The older boy sat down in the chair in front of Taemin at the coffee shop and admired his ring before he placed his hand on the table, the ring on display. Taemin swallowed the lump in his throat and forced the smile on his face. 

"Nothing. I'm happy for you! I'm guessing you said yes?" He nodded towards Jonghyun's ring and the other beamed.

"Of course. I was going to propose to him anyway if he hadn't proposed to me." Taemin watched as Jonghyun's face lit up. "Won't you be my best man, Taemin? You're my best friend, you should be my best man!" Taemin wanted to cry at the question but instead nodded. When he lifted his face to meet Jonghyun's expectant eyes it was with a fake smile that didn't reach his eyes. 

"Sure, I'll be your best man, Jonghyun," he said, voice thick with tears but the other man didn't notice in his happiness. Taemin never got to confess to Jonghyun that day and as he laid in his bed that night, he couldn't even cry. He felt empty, hollow, dead. There was nothing left of him and he had no idea how he would ever recover. He didn't know how he was going to be Jonghyun's best man without unexpectedly reveal his longtime crush on him. He didn't know if he could make it through the wedding, to see Jonghyun happily in love and getting married to someone he had loved for so long. To see his chance slip away for good, the only thing he could do was wait for the other. 

 

Eight months later Taemin found himself as the best man at their wedding anyway. He saw the happy smiles and the happy tears. He saw Jonghyun and Kibum exchange their vows and their rings. He saw their mothers shed a tear and their fathers smile. He saw Jonghyun's elder sister cry a river just like her brother. He heard Jonghyun sing a song for Kibum and he saw Kibum tear up while speaking to his beloved. He knew that he had to do something as well, to have prepared something for the lovely couple. And he had. When his performance was announced he sat behind the big black piano and smiled at the guests. The song was a love song, something he had found years ago in high school when he had fantasized about being with Jonghyun. It took everything he had to keep smiling while he played the song for the happy couple. Taemin wanted to cry, he wanted to break down but he couldn't ruin Jonghyun's happy day. Taemin left the reception shortly after he had finished his performance, not sure he could keep his tears back for much longer. He knew it was wrong of him to leave, but his heart was already irrevocably broken. There was nothing no one could do to fix it, to heal the few scatters that had been left. He knew that with time he would probably be able to meet the other again but it wasn't now and it wasn't in the next few years to come. Taemin didn't want to leave his best friend behind but he knew they would both be happier if they separated. He also knew that Jonghyun would have never agreed to this had he ever said anything to the other. So he didn't. Taemin had left without a word, only a letter beside his present to the happy pair. 

When his performance was announced he sat behind the big black piano and smiled at the guests. The song was a love song, something he had found years ago in high school when he had fantasized about being with Jonghyun. It took everything he had to keep smiling while he played the song for the happy couple. Taemin wanted to cry, he wanted to break down but he couldn't ruin Jonghyun's happy day.

Taemin left the reception shortly after he had finished his performance, not sure he could keep his tears back for much longer. He knew it was wrong of him to leave, but his heart was already irrevocably broken. There was nothing no one could do to fix it, to heal the few scatters that had been left. He knew that with time he would probably be able to meet the other again but it wasn't now and it wasn't in the next few years to come. Taemin didn't want to leave his best friend behind but he knew they would both be happier if they separated. He also knew that Jonghyun would have never agreed to this had he ever said anything to the other. So he didn't.

Taemin had left without a word, only a letter beside his present to the happy pair. 

 


End file.
